Crazy Christmas Joke

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

Inner Space Caverns

Saturday we went to the second largest cave system in the US. It was named Inner Space since it was believed that certain rooms mirrored the supposed appearance of the moon. The caverns were discovered in 1963 during the construction of I-35. Some construction workers were taking core samples when the drill bit disappeared into the ground. One of the men went down after it and discovered a large cavern with under ground pools and the fossilized remains of prehistoric animals. It's worth checking out, so the next time you're in Georgetown, Texas go have a look-see.

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Spinster Sister

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A thief and a knife

We've been in this house for a little over a month. Last night we had our first major incident. Other than Thanksgiving, that is, which was an undertaking unto itself. Six days of preparation for one day eating. I'm not sure if it was worth it, but it sure tasted good. Even after giving half the leftovers to Beverly, five days later my fridge is still stuffed to the hypothetical rafters. Oh well, at least all the dishes are put away.

In any case, on to my story. Our house had an alarm system installed when we moved in. It makes a beeping noise when the doors or windows are opened. It's horribly annoying, but at least I always know when James is coming or going. Last night around 1:30am our alarm system made that lovely beeping noise I've come to know so well. I startled awake and shoved an elbow into James. He exploded out of bed and started yelling at whoever was in the house. I looked to see what time it was and discovered that the power had gone out while we were sleeping. Don't you just hate that stupid blinking 12:00 on the clock when the power goes out?? I do. As it turns out, when the power goes off the alarm system resets and beeps. Tre annoying.

I imparted this knowledge to James who responded that he had heard noises downstairs and went to look, and to reset the alarm so it didn't beep anymore. He opened every door, checked the yard, and looked in all the closets. He didn't find anything but, to my surprise, he came back with a big kitchen knife and stashed it in the nightstand. We went back to bed, but five minutes later the beeping started up again. James grabbed his knife and went running downstairs but he found nothing, of course. Turns out he just didn't reset the alarm properly.

Craziness.

Joke for Today

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.

Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Traveling Trama

I leave Saturday.


Clearly, I'm having trouble processing this fact. I guess it's just hard to believe James' time in Arizona is drawing to a close so soon. Before he left in May it seemed that four months was an interminable amount of time, almost to the end of forever. Now I'm shocked that it's already almost October again. Where did the year go? More specifically, what happened to Summer? At the start of the season I felt I had plenty of time to get things done, visit friends, accept the fact that I'm moving to Texas. Now all I can think is 'What the hell have I been doing all this time?!'

To be fair, you have to factor in time spent moving out of my apartment, a visit to Walker, a weekend with Matt, two trips to Arizona, and an Alaskan cruise. Oh, and let's not forget all those days spent in a huddle of pathetic misery because my husband (God, that still sounds weird, doesn't it? I have a husband!) was four states and three time zones away.

But to quit wallowing and return to my original point... Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I'm moving. To Texas. Christ.

Saturday I fly up to Arizona for the last time. James graduates from training (apparently the government no longer permits me to publish his actual job title anywhere in reference to his name, go figure) on Thursday. We should be in San Antonio by Friday night and house hunting with our Remax guy by Saturday. We'll be back in Fort Myers on the 10th for two weeks before we leave for good.

Look at me go. I'm faced with cold, hard, unadulterated facts. And yet I still can't believe it's real and going to happen. So soon. And still, I'm forced to accept the inevitability of reality: I signed myself up to be a Military Spouse and hope against hope, wish against wish, it's going to happen.

Life in the Desert

James left today for 10 days in the field. This essentially means that he will be living out in the desert, doing combat survival training, eating MREs and putting the Interrogation techniques learned in the classroom into practice. This will be done with the use of a fake town set up in the middle of nowhere, similar to those used in the 50's for bomb testing. The difference is this particular sham is designed to mimic an Iraqi town and will be filled with actors from whom the Interrogators-in-training will need to collect certain information.

As philosophically skewed as I find this, I can only bring myself to care that this is the most alone I have felt in the four months since James left for Arizona, as it is the first time that we will not be able to communicate for more than a few hours at a time.


That being said, I will focus on spending the next 9.5 days stewing in my own misery and eating Chinese takeout. Huzzah.

Time to Kill

Next time you have nothing to do and are feeling too lazy to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, as I often am, you should check out this site. SurfTheChannel allows you to choose from millions of movies, television shows, music and more, all for free. Since Leah turned me on to it earlier this week, I've watched several movies all with very decent quality and clarity. So check it out. Go on... Scoot.

Bubba's Two Assholes

I haven't blogged in a while since my life has been so hectic. Here's a joke to make it all better. Enjoy.




Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Renegade

There's a stray cat in my neighborhood that hangs around my building sometimes. I feed her sometimes. She's pretty friendly, though she agitates the hell out of my cat when he's on the lanai and sees her. She's also small, especially when compared to Gatto. I think she was abused though; she's pretty skittish and she freaks out if you leave your hand on her too long, put your hand in front of her face or try to pick her up. Additionally, I only see her at night.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do about her: leave her alone and continue to feed her or lure her into the house for the night and take her to a shelter the next day. I'm not sure that a shelter would improve her situation in life any.

Any ideas?

Recomended Movies

Mujeres al borde de un ataque de nervios (Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown)
La Flor de mi secreto (The Flower of My Secret)
¿Qué he hecho yo para merecer esto?! (What Have I Done to Deserve This?)
Hable con ella (Talk to Her)

All by Pedro Almodóvar

La Teta i la lluna (Tete and the Moon) by J.J. Bigas Luna


The last two movies are very disturbing. Be forewarned.

Choque

I've been distracted lately. This is why.

FM woman still in critical condition after crash

A 44-year-old Fort Myers woman was still listed in critical condition this afternoon at Lee Memorial Hospita after authorities say the driver of a dump truck ran a red light Tuesday morning near the intersection of westbound Alico Road and the southbound exit ramp of Interstate 75.

At 8:27 a.m., 28-year-old Lazardo Rodriguez of Lehigh Acres failed to stop at a red light and struck Ingrid Martinez-Rico, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

Martinez-Rico was stopped in the inside left turn lane facing south on the I-75 southbound exit ramp. As she entered the intersection with Alico Road when the light turned green, the left side of the 1999 Volvo she was driving was struck by the front of the dump truck, according to FHP.

The impact caused the vehicles to end up in the curbed grass median, with the dump truck partially on top of the Volvo’s left side facing west. The crash caused $15,000 worth of damage to the Volvo and $5,000 damage to the dump truck, according to FHP.

Rodriguez is being charged with failing to stop at a traffic light.

This is my professor.

Room Blocks

Rooms have been blocked for the wedding under both Freeland and Rodio.

The rooms at The Hampton Inns & Suites are $109 a night. The Hampton offers a combination of King and Queen rooms with accommodations for up to six and free breakfast.

The rooms at Courtyard Marriott are $79 a night. The rooms have two Queens, but you can request a King room if you would like. The downside is you have to pay for breakfast... but it's yummy and affordable.

Both the Hampton and the Marriott have outdoor pools and are located on Colonial Blvd. approximately 5.5 miles from the Colonial Country Club where the wedding and reception are taking place. The Marriott, in addition to being cheaper, has a hot tub that is open all night. The Hampton, however, is newer.

The hotels are both really nice; rooms were blocked at two hotels to allow people to choose where the would like to stay. So, the next move is up to you.

meh

James was sick all this week. He's still sick now. Plus he got something in his eye last night and today it's all red and swollen and gross.

Saturday I got a box in the mail from my sister in Iraq. When I opened it I found a giant glass and wood hookah decorated with camels and cobras, and a purple belly dancer outfit. They're both really something to look at. I think a piece is missing from the outfit though, cuz the skirt is really small and my butt hangs out the back. Antonia told me she got herself a matching outfit, and my mom said we now have to do a dance at the wedding. She's got another thing coming if she thinks that's happening!

Yesterday James' mom and older sister went to my parents' house for lunch to meet them for the first time. James was extremely nervous. I kept telling him there was no reason for it, but he persisted. Needless to say, everything went really well.

James' dad and step mom are on their way over to our place now from Bowling Green. They've never been here, though we've been to visit them a few times.

Officially I'm behind in the wedding planning and behind in my schoolwork. I think this semester is already shaping up to be a bad one.

Week Two

The first week back at school was a little rough. My schedule is very strange this semester: one three hour class on Monday and one three hour on Wednesday, an eight and a half hour break between classes on Tuesday, and twelve straight hours at school on Thursday. Additionally, I discovered that my Biology class, which I'm only taking as a substitute for an Anthropology class, is two hours long because it contains a lab class, and my Hispanic Women Writers class has so much required reading and so many homework assignments that Paris equated it with her graduate level classes.

Today begins week two. I think I have my work cut out for me this semester.

Spring Foward

Today is the first day of the Spring Semester. This semester I'm taking Hispanic Cinema, Human Species, Development of World Civilization, Hispanic Women Writers, and Issues in Science & Technology: Cinema and Tech. That only leaves four classes that I have left to take: Issues in Culture and Society, IDS Senior Seminar and one upper level Spanish and upper level Anthropology.

Now all I have to do is get Dr. Fewkes to update my HC transcripts and get them, my Edison transcripts and my high school AP scores sent to FGCU. Oh yeah, and pray those last 4 classes are offered over the summer. Cuz otherwise I'm in trouble.

Hmmm... I hope my classes are good this year.

Begining 2008

It's been a very long time since I updated last. Since my last post I finished my first semester at FGCU (and drove myself crazy in the process), booked the photographer for the wedding and bought my dress, had a couple biopsies (don't ask), ruptured my ear canal (again), read the entire Harry Potter series, and both gave and received some pretty cool Christmas gifts. The most important goings on, however, are as follows:

My final project for University Colloquium was to design a "green home" for the Babcock Development Project in Charlotte and Lee counties. My group and I worked really hard and put a lot of time in the project. Rather than design a floor plan from the ground up like most of the other groups we took a plan out of a Small Homes book and retrofitted it to conform to the Florida Green Building Coalition standards. My friend Samantha and I went a little overboard making sure every tiniest detail matched our mental picture of what our "dream home" should look like, while the two boys kinda just watched us with bemused expressions. In truth, we created a lot more work for ourselves than was necessary, but it paid off in the end: At the conclusion of our class presentation our group was asked to present our home to the Babcock developers. That presentation will take place this month and, should they choose our design, the BDP will actually build our home.

I also had a brief visit to Leah the day after Christmas while she was in Jupiter, completed my registries at Crate & Barrel and Bed, Bath & Beyond and endured the suspected drugging of my drink on New Year's Eve (I didn't drink it though, James did, lol).

The Spring semester begins on January 7th and I'm sad to say I have a really jacked up schedule in store for me. On the upside, after this semester I'll only have four classes left to take before I graduate. Additionally, the only things left to do for the wedding are buying the bridesmaid and flowergirl dresses, renting the limo, booking the hotels and mailing out the invitations. And the actually ceremony, of course.

All in all, should prove to be a very busy, and very productive, four months.